In the past, I used to be the kind of person that got angry for little, had poor interpersonal communication skills and would engage into a conversation with the wrong person, at the wrong time, in the wrong place. At least, that is what used to say my now ex-husband. And to his credit, I believe he was right !
With time, I learnt to communicate and engage into meaningful conversation, at ripe time and with key people. I also become proficient in Emotional Intelligence and was a great advocate of it, for many years.
I thought it was great ! Seeing words coming at me, welcoming them softly and having the space and choice to answer in an appropriate way made sense to me. Until I realised that I was not allowing my emotions to be fully expressed, I was storing them, as a reserve into my body and built some nicely confortable cushions for it. Yet, I was so hang on to « not showing » that I lost in spontaneity and right of response.
And, oh yes, had I become excellent at keeping a straight head, hiding my true inner state, being assertive and so on. Of course, it looked very professional. Yet, how true was it and how true was I being to myself ?
The space inside myself, the emotion store-room, had become so wide that it could accommodate long-term residents and never think of doing otherwise. This is when frustration started to appear and thankfully acted as an alarm bell.
What point was there into keeping emotions locked up into one’s mind and body ?
I came to the conclusion that there was none and that it was just a killer. So eventhough, I would not advocate angry outburst or full blast emotional expression, I believe e-motions keep us into motion and are therefore key to human inner functionning.
So, what other solutions did I have to live in better flow with myself ?
Well, I came to the experience that going/being with the emotion, in a conscious way, sometimes using some appropriate breathing or sound, would allow a much better state of being and increased results in reaching my objectives.
This morning I played with that, just once more. I was warmly invited to do some jetski. My initial feeling was yes, followed by a « so, so kind of attitude ». Nevertheless, I opted for the outing. Shortly after it started, fear kicked in and my usual response would have been to contract and stress my whole body and mind for the whole trip. And of course, not enjoy it and feeling bad for some time afterwards. Instead, I chose to be with the emotion, listen to it in awareness and breathe through it with a soft sound that came up in me spontaneously. As a result, I ended up staying on the jetski, aware, living my emotion and calmy ask to stop after a while, as I felt the experience was conducive enough for the time being.
In conclusion, ban emotional intelligence if you want to be true to yourself and act accordingly. It does not make any sense to keep emotions locked up ! It is not worth the straight expression on your face.